a dogs life

I had to make a decision, probably the hardest decision of my life, not to say I haven't ever killed, sure, I've put animals out of their misery before, but this felt different..
My dog bonnie who I've had for over 13 years, was getting old, a 16yr old Labrador who had served me well, loved me when the world had sharp corners and shared some of the greatest joys of my life.
The time had come, I'm sure of it, she was so ill and cancer riddled, and just like my mum my dad and my oldest sister it was to break the body.
I signed the consent form on 30th December 1999, euthanasia, I have never before consciously signed an animals life away before. She had cried for the first time today, after a year of silent suffering. At the same time she went double incontinent and her back end has lost all strength.
For health and safety reasons the made her wear a muzzle, I stroked her ears as I did when she first came to me, a scared and bullied dog who couldn't walk at night time for fear of cars. This time my comfort came with a prayer that I was doing the right thing.
I cried, I rarely cry, with my parents and sister it was between 1 week and several years before I cried, but this time the tears fell like spring rain. I came undone.
I don't feel I treat her bad, we had some great times, and anyone who knows me will affirm that dog went places not many humans would go, and we loved.
My little bonnie, my babby, I miss you, I hope there's something good at the end of this pain. I love you!

12 days of christmas

12 days gone now, doin well feeling good. Rung my martial arts teacher today to see if they would welcome me back, its all good, so training in january.
Db is kicking off, why? Something to do with me not buying a card from the baby to her, considering I gave her every penny I get for the last four weeks I laugh. Turns out she has brought one to herself from the baby now, can't decide if that's real sad or not. I was happy with a doodle on paper and knowing we be warm and eat this christmas.
Anyways life goes on, and on, and, well u get the idea, just keep on doin what I can when I can and keeping the faith. God bless you one and all, even you db if you ever read this. God bless us all.

solstice morning just doodlin

Couldn't decide between. `leave me alone` or `I am`

If you want someone to pick it up and run with it
Then I'm your man
If you want some1 to stickitup and have fun with it
I am your man
If you want someone to pickitup stickitup and out gun with it
I can do that
Just livin my life

If you want some one to cry with you
You know I'm a man
If you want someone to cry with you die with you and sometimes ask why with you
I am a man
If you want some one to cry with you die with you but sometimes get real fly with you
I'm definitely your man
But if I invest, put love to the test, try my best to attest to the man that I am
Well then
I'm still a man
Just living my life
Loving
Myself

here comes the sun

Done a week off the junk, this is a major milestone, now the physical and emotional pains switch, now I become real again, I cry over pain I see around me and the things I can't control that hurt me to see, even on the other side of the Atlantic beamed thru the sky via satellites, too much telly is bad for the soul, but at the moment I'm becoming whole again. I've just been passing time now I can stay to live again, the life that's mine. Some days have had the weight of tombstones, I bearly crawled out from under them, but surly headstones crashed like dominoes, so now I see the pattern they left, the mark upon my spirit. I can't keep doing this, this time ill stay clean...how many times av I said this before, but today, on this warm snowy solstice day, I am sure.
Now I can begin again to crawl out of this grave, my resting place is not so secure anymore, here comes the sun.

every day is a winding road. staying clean

The UK NA Helpline number is changing to 0300 999 12 12.

I know of a lot of drug services offered throughout derbyshire but wasn't aware there was a narcotics anonymous here. I won't publish your email as its more a suggestion than a comment on my blog. Thanks for the info, I've put a link here and the uk phone number for any other people who stumble accross this, that might have an interest.
I'm into day 5 early hours now and I'm doing good, had a nice spliff earlier amd after spending sometime with my daughter I played ps2 game stuntman with db, its cruel and infuriating but good fun, every day gets a little closer, to feeling fine.
Thanks for everyones input comments help and advice.
Don't really think n.a is for me and unfortunatley the nearest meeting to me is in accessable at the moment due to the homeless situation and the distance.

pickin up where i dropped off

Still doin well, feelin really positive, not really suffering this time at all, maybe the big guy upstairs has decided to give me a break. Hopefully ill be training again before the weekends out, that's where my heart is and I've got to do something to break the boredom that's settling over me before it become a melancholy. The old black dogs always following closely when I sit on my laurels.
Gonna try to run a few hundred metres later just to see how it feels and assess just how unfit 8I am at the moment.
Thanks for all the positive comments, the guys who are following anonymously, thank you too, I hope I've answered all your questions in a way that makes sense and helps you. Peace!

03.35 soft focus

The soft hue of the christmas tree lights, the tiredness of pain, the loss of my old self the new one to gain
The thoughts that meander the pity abandoned a trust in my soul a new day made whole
Tomorrow is here so today there's no fear, for the future is a present and all becomes clear
One life one man who`ll do all I can to shake the foundations of destinies hand
Taking my soul to the promised land

tears well

As the emotions come back and tears well
As my heart pours out my spirits swell
One moment in time one day at a time
The pain and the healing the suffering sublime
To heal we must feel to be brave we must fear
As the emotions come back, I know I am here

This is my first attempt at poetry since I lost all my work 10 years. Ago, seems lame now, ill work on it. I remember a few lines from a poem i wrote about an acid trip, I think my old work was better, you decide.

Vast silent sweet vivacious, closed in sounds divine and spacious
Love and hate can't relate why oh why open that gate

I remember other odd bits too

Listen to the madman hear what he says its not too late to change your ways, we strive to find love and only find hate, so why oh why open up that gate

Very painful losing works that meant so much to me at the time, and I'm sure they were so muxh more rounded and complete than I recall, but I'm gonna try to reclaim my verse, its about the only honest way I've ever been able to be honest with myself.

feeels good

Well into my second day without gear, something feels different this time, i m not suffering, I don't feel sick, in fact my worst problem is boredom. Spent a lovely morning with gemma and realised how much I missed our little walks and talks together during the time I was clean. When db took gemma away from me it was the last desperate ploy of a liar who had been exposed and had no other weapon to yield...sad right! But it sorta worked, I felt lost without my girl, having to fight to prove I wasn't an abusive partner, thru court really sucked the life outta me. Being homeless and rejected for council housing and having no savings to go private killed me. Losing the energy to train and most of my property including my pc, which had my inspirational music on it, my 2nd life blood, not to mention my gaming friends network, built up over years left me isolated. I tried to get a job but without a house no1 wanted to know as I couldn't offer consistency. I tried going back to crime, my old life I left over 15 years ago but realised that wasn't for me any more I've developed this thing called a conscience. I shagged around after years of being devoted to one woman it offered relief but couldn't give me what I truly want. Love and trust, so I went back to the only thing that has consistently been there to take away my pain. Heroin. Except as the verve said, the drugs don't rework, they just make things worse. Ok they took away my anger, an anger and hate I had other too never known, that seemed like an answer, what I really didn't realise was that this is exactly what db wanted, cos it leaves me looking weak and useless. So today I feel good, I'm balanced and see to the future, I don't think its gonna be all roses, but here I go, here I go here I here I go yo.
I'm still homeless, but I gotta do something about this situation cos I can't stay at her house any more, much as I love being around gemma this siuation is destructive for my soul. Another week and I should be physically stronger, then decision time.

doing ok

Doing good, spent most of the day on pga golf. Watched a bit of news and when I see people who really av suffering niot of their own making it hunbles me and makes me wish I could do better, I'm sure if it wasn't for the pain in my knees and the homeless situation, having to live with someone who's nature goes against all I believe in then I coulld crack this...well gonna keep trying.

wheres my fight

Another day trying to detox, not felt so bad today. Strange things are occurring with the db that might help me but I don't feel as good about watching her demise as I thought I would. I need to get my fight back, I guess the only way to do this is to win some small battles. After last junes crippler I've gone right down hill. Christmas has always been a good time for my spirit, its been a time of strength in the past fore me so let's hope.

borin day

Spent most of the day playing tiger woods golf on the ps2 while gemma went to see santa with nana and mummy. Apparently the santa sucked and didn't relate to kids well and was a great big fake in more than the usual sense. Ill try to write more tomorrow.Used today, gonna give it a bash staying clean again tomorrow so my blogging might be a bit off form. Btw if anyone reading this blog can offer me advice to make it more approachable or inviting to readers then all input gratefully received.
I lost over 10 years of my best most precious poetry due to an heroin eviction and haven't really written poetry since, all though I still freestyle and rap, I love rap, especially jayzee, naz, james brown, cameron, common, shyne and tariq kweli to name a few. Anyhoo, I'm thinking of starting a new blog of poetry in draft and completion, so please feel free to contribute your thoughts emotions and critisizms of my work when and if this happens.

once more into the breach

Was at 3 days again yesterday and felt good, wasn't perfect but was starting to think about going running again. Db decided she wanted a bafg again and fool me went along with it, now my hate for her is renewed, its so hard to stop using while I'm living with her. So here I am back at day one and now I'm out of valium and sleepers, will I ever beat this shit, will I ever get my own place again, what did I do to so offend god that I have to relive this shit forever. Well, apaet freom sell my soul at 12 for a big dick and the ability to please any woman, which btw I seem to have got. But surely that's what all pubescent boys want, maybe I just got lucky and I punish myself. Anyways, once more into the breach dear friends once more into hell.

day3 detox

Inhaling deeply on a rollie in the chill winter morning I'm falling in love again, I must be getting better, slept well last night, in fact the only violent dream I had was a fight club style mutually agreed event in a pub toilet, which I won with an headlock and sheer determination. Now as I watch the sky burning a subdued hue of amber with an ethereal glow I feel I'm reconnecting with my true destiny. As the gloorious dawn of a new day approaches I feel this to be significant to my healing, maybe that's just the valium and zopiclone. But just maybe its destiny.

and on and on

So 2 days now, got some sleep earlier, just woke up and watching another one of the demon bitches (from NOW referred to ad db) shit fookin programmes. Why is it that god punishes me with this crap, ok. Ok, so it might not be that bad and at least I have a place to stay now, even if it is destroying my soul staying here. Soon hopefully I will be strong enough to start running and training in my ju jitsu again. I'm running out of time and getting to old to keep doing this, one day I will just say enoughs enough and shoot up the big one, believe me if I get to speak to a god he better be trained in martial arts cos I got some cosmic kick ass to deal out, chances are though ill be going down not up, I've never know so much hate inside me since the db worked her magic last june.

soul less

Life still never fails to amaze me, just when I start to think I've lost all feeling of life and am ready to goto the big plunger in the sky I'm touched, some one once said music is the bridge to heaven, I can't dispute it, just listening to the Beatles, yep, me, hiphop loving rockout folk fan feel the love everytime I hear the Beatles. Maybe it goes back to my first acid trip. When I thought I had finally lost my marbles and was brought back to sanity by the demon bitch, the day I fell in love with her, the day I heard `here comes the sun` for the first time, music touched my soul. Shame I have no pc atm, music reconnects me, just fyi all my blogging is done on a phone. I'm into the second day of my rattle again but this music has healed my pain for a while. I am the egg man, I am the walrus.

keep on keepin on

Feelin a little better now the ibruprofen and valium have kicked in, as I get more blog readers I'll make a point of telling a bit more about my past and what brought me to be the person I am. I've witnessed miracles that make me question the whole perception of reality and I've seen true love and hate. As I've said before if there's anything you wanna know about drugs just ask, there's not many I haven't explored, and if you want an honest opinion without agenda on any subject at all, ask away, just writing this to keep on keeping on as I don't want this blog/life narrative to disappear cos things get too hard.

day ermmm bad day

Ok so I went 2 days without gear, struggled a bit and told the demon bitch I needed to score, took some valium and after an hour or so felt better. But now I've apparently put the idea into her head so. We have to use, scored two bags and felt a lot better till this morning, now I'm back in the same predicament, can't concentrate don't wanna eat, feel sick, every part of me vibrates when I move, and now this is no advantage with the ladies right now cos my once proud pocketrocket is reduced to a wrinkly thimble, tmi? Well I promised to be as honest as I could in this blog. Gonna sign this one off cos its very fookin hard work, peace and love to all those who suffer in this lifetime.

day 3

Got woke up by my little girl at 6.30am, first decent nights sleep I've had in ages and she decides that I should be awake while its still dark. tried to explain to her that daddy needs sleep but damn, three year olds these days are wily. First of all she feels sick and has a cough, I take her to the bathroom and she trades feeling sick for playing with the taps. So I take her back to bed and give her a teaspoon of babby cough medicine, now the cough has gone but daddy, I'm thirsty, so I fill her a bottle with milk, hid normally settles her down, 3 dummies, god knows why twos not enough but hey, I love her and let's face it, for a 3 year old these days wanting 3 dummies isn't bad, some of them these days wear hoodies and go round terrorising new Born's for their calpol or whatever. So we are settled, just drifting off and kick in the ribs, dad, I'm a princess, play princess dadda? Grrr, jump out of bed make a coffee and contemplate trying to get off this heroin shit, she deserves better I know.

2nd day

Woke up about 1300hr with that heavy thick headed desperation that comes from remembering that yet again its another day of being a smack head, not that I really sleep properley anyways, for example, last night I slept for 10 hours, the longest sleep I've had in weeks but, the dreams, the fears and fightts of everyday life haunt all my dreams when I'm on smack, they go when I leave it alone for a whiles, but as soon as soon as I'm in the grip, they come right back. As I slip from the junk induced bliss into sleep I fight every enemy I have, from that cheap scum shit shagging dealer who tried to scare me with a kitchen knife the other month, right down to the devil himself, passing through the many strata of people who would try to hurt me, The worst are the dreams of prison, trying to escape, maybe find a fix, ore dealing with the kind of mad psycho cell mate who would stick his dick in your eye for some minor infringement of cell etiquette, like maybe not giving him a smoke or perhaps telling him to fuck himself when he demands satisfaction. What really pisses me is this, when I was a kid, in my dreams if I had an enemy, id realise I was asleep if it was really scary, and I could jump over houses to escape, or make lazer beams come from my eyes, but those dreams of flying died with my soul, now even with my ju jitsu training and understanding of anatomy, when I'm in my dreams, I can't get the strength to throw a punch that could kill a fly, if I try to use a sliding choke I don't have the strength to hold it, I guess I could analyse this shit for years but what good would it do. The only answer right now is to get clean again, fuck it, I'm gonna try again, maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow!