feeels good

Well into my second day without gear, something feels different this time, i m not suffering, I don't feel sick, in fact my worst problem is boredom. Spent a lovely morning with gemma and realised how much I missed our little walks and talks together during the time I was clean. When db took gemma away from me it was the last desperate ploy of a liar who had been exposed and had no other weapon to yield...sad right! But it sorta worked, I felt lost without my girl, having to fight to prove I wasn't an abusive partner, thru court really sucked the life outta me. Being homeless and rejected for council housing and having no savings to go private killed me. Losing the energy to train and most of my property including my pc, which had my inspirational music on it, my 2nd life blood, not to mention my gaming friends network, built up over years left me isolated. I tried to get a job but without a house no1 wanted to know as I couldn't offer consistency. I tried going back to crime, my old life I left over 15 years ago but realised that wasn't for me any more I've developed this thing called a conscience. I shagged around after years of being devoted to one woman it offered relief but couldn't give me what I truly want. Love and trust, so I went back to the only thing that has consistently been there to take away my pain. Heroin. Except as the verve said, the drugs don't rework, they just make things worse. Ok they took away my anger, an anger and hate I had other too never known, that seemed like an answer, what I really didn't realise was that this is exactly what db wanted, cos it leaves me looking weak and useless. So today I feel good, I'm balanced and see to the future, I don't think its gonna be all roses, but here I go, here I go here I here I go yo.
I'm still homeless, but I gotta do something about this situation cos I can't stay at her house any more, much as I love being around gemma this siuation is destructive for my soul. Another week and I should be physically stronger, then decision time.